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Hi, I am a 23 year old girl who has never had a boyfriend, never been kissed etc. I have Asperger's syndrome but this doesn't affect me nearly as much as it did three years ago. I have grown up in a lot of ways but still having problems on the love front.

Two years ago I met the nicest and most charming guy in the world. Though to be honest when I first met him I thought he was gay because I simply could not believe that there could be a guy so handsome and caring, friendly and natural. I was immediately attracted to him but did not discover my feelings for him until I noticed that I was bothered by the fact he went out with a girl we both knew from a social group we all went to. That relationship lasted almost a year and I gradually got closer to him after the break up.

When the break up was fresh I decided to try to get to know him more. I then became more confident in sending him messages and received what I thought were flirty messages back. I was so excited and I couldn't wait to see him next.

Then, I was walking back from town with a couple of close friends who also knew him. Then one of my friends told me she had some news - the guy liked her. Well I literally went to pieces over the next few months after they got together. I cried myself to sleep most nights. I stopped eating because I couldn't make myself swallow food. I became quite ill at Christmas from being so run down and tired.

Eventually, I told the guy that I had feelings for him and he was nice about it but it didn't change the fact that he was going out with someone else. His girlfriend (my friend) became very possessive and would not meet up with me, kept the guy and my friends away from me, and had secret conversations with my other close friend in the public toilets on the days that I was allowed to see them all.

I finally had to lie to them all and say that I was over him even though I wasn't. Everyone believed me strangely enough and I became part of the group again.

Now I torture myself every day looking at their Facebook messages to each other, listening to them telling me about their plans to move in together and get married etc and I took a job working with them six evenings a week, cleaning, so that I could be close to this guy, even though it kills me to see him kiss another girl. 

I dream about him many nights. I look at his pictures on Facebook and it reduces me to tears. I think about him constantly every day. I know it is bordering on obsessive but even through all the pain I went through I don't want to move on. I don't want to let go because I love him so much that I would rather withstand the pain than be without him at all. I cling on to the feeble hope that maybe he will wake up and realise that his girlfriend isn't what he wants after all and maybe I will have another chance.

I really love him and I don't want to give up on him, but how can I carry on with my life?
05 September 2011 @ 03:07 am
First off, if you are reading this I would really appreciate your advice, I usually don't do this type of thing but I am absolutely miserable and I hate myself for it.

I'm a 24 year old guy finishing up my last year and half at college. I'm not bad looking and there is nothing wrong with me physically. In fact a good amount of girls show interest in me. Now here's the problem; I cannot for the life of me develop any kind of a relationship with a female. Every time I even get close to asking a girl out on a date or getting her number, I freeze up and avoid that path. I've seen my friends do it right in front of my eyes and I have imagined how the convo would go in my head more than 2 billion times but I JUST CAN'T DO IT!

For example, today I went to an Eco-Fair at my local cities fairgrounds with a friend of mine. It was a beautiful day and I was in a great mood. All of the sudden, in the distance I saw this amazingly cute and angelic girl working in one of the stands. I instantly was caught in a daze and it almost felt like I was a fly gravitating toward the light and there was no stopping me. She noticed me gawking at her and said hello. It turns out the stand she was working in was a physical therapy stand that was giving out free check-ups for back pain. So we started talking about back pain and she showed me different causes of pain in her diagram, meanwhile I was silently falling in love with how breathtaking she was. I decided to sign-up for a free check-up and while I waited to be seen by the chiropractor we talked about her and where she went to school. She seemed like she was interested and was laughing and joking with me the entire time. It was like a scene out of a Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks movie where you just know that they are going to end up together..... anyways....she told me that she had just moved to the area and didn't know a lot of people ( missed opportunity #1), she had just started working for the physical therapy office and was planning to get her own therapy license and so on. After a few minutes it was my turn to get my exam. After the exam I told the chiropractor I was interested in visiting his office, he told me to make an appointment with the dream girl. I went over to her, she asked me when I was available and I wrote down all my information for her and all along the only things that were running through my mind were GET HER NUMBER/ASK HER TO COFFEE/MAKE SURE YOU SEE HER AGAIN/SHOW HER YOUR INTERESTED! But I said absolutely NOTHING, I just ignored every feeling in my entire body and pushed the butterflies away, took my appointment card said thank you, stared into her amazing eyes one last time and walked away.....

What is wrong with me?!?!? This girl was AMAZING, she was wide open for the kill! And I blow it! And FYI this is not the first time I've been an absolute idiot like this, I have at least ten similar stories that if I told you would make you want to Slap me. I can't even sleep tonight I am so disappointed in myself. Am I going to die a lonely cold death because I can't ask a SIMPLE question "CAN I HAVE YOUR NUMBER?".

I just don't know anymore.....the worst part is that after my epic failures I can't stop thinking about the million and one combinations of words I could have said to ask her out. And that it physically gives me a feeling like I am being continuously punched in the stomach.

Please someone tell me how to fix myself.....I feel worthless and it's just sad.
mood: melancholymelancholy
This summer, I am starting a series of hand-drawn animated short films and need your help.

The idea is simple - send me the story of your most important time when you've had your heart broken and I will create a hand-drawn short film about it.

Break-ups are universal and, whilst they often suck at the time, after a while you reach a point where you can say you're over it, and you're better, and that's pretty great. By documenting a many different break-ups as possible, maybe we can create a sense of solidarity in heartbreak.
I want to show that painful things can be beautiful, and that complicated things can be stripped down to their very basics.
Also, hearing stories of other people's romances is pretty fun.

So what do I need from you?
If you feel comfortable with it, please send me (privately, via comments on my LJ, or via Tumblr AskBox) the story of your most meaningful break-up. It can be as long as description as you like (the better I can understand what happened, the less chance I have of misrepresenting your story), but I will only make a short (~1 minute) film with the bare bones of the story.

This might be a long-term relationship or marriage; it could be a week-long holiday fling; it may not have been a relationship at all, but a missed opportunity, a lost pet or anything, anything. This might be a story from years ago that you have since gotten over, this might be a story from yesterday that still makes you cry. Whatever you feel comfortable with telling, but a story that means something to you.

(DISCLAIMERS: This is entirely non-profit and is created mostly because I want to have a distraction. I will not use real names if you do not wish me to (if so, please say or provide fake names to begin with). I will share online the videos that are made. These will be public to everyone.)

and please spread the word (if on Tumblr, please reblog)
03 October 2009 @ 07:06 pm
I think I'm being a shallow person. I honestly do. He's sweet and makes me laugh, I like him as a friend. However, when he's around other girls- I suddenly get jealous. It's sort of as if when he's available, I don't like him any more than as a friend; but when girls show interest in him and he ignores me, my heart suddenly aches. The funny thing is, I can't see him as a potential boyfriend. I should have seen this coming, it's like I set myself up for heartbreak. I start with, he's so funny and makes me laugh to omg, i can't stop thinking about him. I know he liked me, but as with all the other guys, he lost interest because I seemed like I didn't care or feel the same way.

The worst "heartbreak" ever was, when this extremely sweet guy who showed the most interest in me ever, the guy who made me smile and laugh at the same time. I will never forgive myself for this. I was such a horrible person, just because I was too concerned with my image. I was afraid of what people would think of me, if I was with him. He was the sweetest guy, I even forgave him when he called me "Karoline" instead of Karolina.
   It was second semester, we moved seats in class and he asked for my number. Haha, this guy wasted no time. It seemed as if the 55 minute long period lasted 2 minutes. We spent the whole class texting, while we sat next to each other. He kept calling me pretty and beautiful. I saved one of the texts by "locking" it so it wouldn't erase when I erased my inbox (and it hurt when I deleted it to my prove to myself I was over him, but now I'm getting ahead of my self). I remember one read "time goes by really fast when you're sitting next to a pretty girl:)" or something along the lines of that. I actually saved a lot of his texts.
   He started every morning with "good morning beautiful". He asked me out to the movies a week or 2 later. I told him yes, but I quickly started to question myself; " Do I want to get into this?" So, the moring of, when he sent me that text he sends every morning, I lied and told him I had to get home and do something. I felt horrible, and I'm pretty sure I hurt him. Anyways, texting him became routine. I looked forward to every morning when I went to bed, so we can talk again. He was adorable with his braces:]. He actually stopped ditching his class, which I think was for me.
   Then, one day he texted "hello gorgeous", and I didn't text him back. Mistake #1 I actually didn't text him back for a while, because I suppose at the time I was afraid of leading him on. Although, as I look back-- I was waay past that.
   After, came Sadies. He sent me texts hinting he wanted to ask me, but to save him the embarrassment, I told him girls ask guys. I know he was waiting for me to ask, but I didn't. Mistake #2.
  Finally came Sadie's. I was so excited to see him there, and couldn't wait for the slow song. I spotted him and I smiled and he smiled at me. He came with another girl. She was really pretty. I choked and turned away. I was so confused. Here came the slow song, I could tell he was looking for me, while I was looking for him. We locked eyes, but I looked away. Then, when I knew he was no longer looking at me, I watched as he shrugged and slow danced with the other girl. Mistake #3
   I guess I knew, that dance was the end. We texted for a little bit after that, but what we had ended that night. The night, he danced with the other girl. She liked him and she wasted no time letting him know. He saw that we wouldn't be together. I hated myself for so long after that fateful night. I still see him and I have a class with him, but he never gave me the smile again.

mood: indifferentindifferent
30 September 2009 @ 12:36 pm
Ok, so Brian was trying to hook me up (for lack of a better term) with Mike and Mike was trying to hook me up with Brian. this was a weird thing to happen because I had never openly admitted to liking either one of them. (Though I had crushes on them both at separate times.)

Anyway, when Mike was trying to hook me up with Brian he very off handed-ly told me he's interested in me. Or at least in the idea of me. Totally knocked me off my fucking feet because I hadn't thought of him that way since I first met him. Now that I really think about it, I never stopped liking him. I just pushed the idea out of my mind because he seemed like exactly the kind of person I would have gone for when I was 19ish. Totally cute and goofy and a little bit immature and narcissistic, but the more time I spend with him the more I realize that he's not as much of a tool as I had originally thought. However it is like he puts up this super big facade
(is that even the right word?) for other people and I just wish I could see all the way through it.

Anyway I told him that I want to get to know him better without meaning to because I'm just overly honest like that. And shocking me once again he said that he wants to get to know me better as well. The fucked up thing about this is that (other than some wickedly intense eye contact) he hasn't made any effort at all. Is there anything I can do? I pretty much thought the ball was in his court, and I suck at reading into these things.

Also it doesn't help that our main source of contact other than at work is texting and my texting has been cut off for like two weeks. A good friend once pointed out that you can bring up things in a text that you wouldn't ever talk about in person, and that sure seems to be the case right now. His birthday is this week and he's probably off fucking around with other girls and I'm trying not to think about it even though I'm totally jealous because it's not like i have any claim on the boy..
01 July 2009 @ 05:08 am
so i dont know what you say on here. but i guess i want to be able to talk to ppl who can maybe relate some of the things im goin thru. first off, i got back with my ex who had been on and off the last five years [every breakup seems to crush me more, hes always txtin other girls and stuff behind my back] everybreak up has hurt me more, about 2 yrs into it i thot mayb there was sumthin wrong with me since he constantly went after girls who were skinnier and shorter, so i developed a bad eating disorder. that only made our relationship worse..

neways by the fifth year the eating disorder turned into a heavy drug addiction. the eating disorder helped me feel in control, but the drugs made it where i just didnt care. and plus i hated going thru what i went thru daily with issues with my appearance and the drugs i chose helped me stay skinny..

so back to where i started, i got back with him, slowly laid off the drugs, since now i have a whole new group of friends and hes the only sober thing i know.

i put everything into it, everything was goin fine. then i saw that he had been talking to a nother girl. it broke my heart. for the last time i cannot handle it. my drug addiction is getting out of hand, but im having a hard time staying sober, cuz it means not being around my friends, who are all wonderful, and have been there with me thru thick and thin. my ex and i were broke up almost a full year this last time before i got back with him, but slowing down on drugs means i want to fill that void with sumthin comforting, and he was it.

now im heartbroken, he says he just doesnt want me cuz he wants to date other girls to make sure im the one. im the only girl hes ever slept with , so i can understand that, but i dont know why he didnt think about that before.

now im heartbroken, depressed, and have started using drugs more frequently. i hate being alone, its all that sort of temporarily eases my pain...and keeps my eating disorder from returning.

sorry so long, but thats my story. im 21 im a female if you couldnt tell. and im having a hard time. just looking for new friends to relate to. thanks for reading this if you did, i know its boring, but i had to let it out sumwhere.

21 April 2009 @ 03:43 pm

So . . .

I'm a 21 year old college student, and I've been single since 2007. I go through these phases where I'm absolutely sick of being single, and during my most recent one, I signed up for a couple of dating sites. I wasn't really expecting anything to come of it, I just figured that the more I reach out, the more likely someone is to extend a hand in return. Anyway, after fooling around with that for a little while, one of the guys who I virtually "winked" at on the website IMed me on Thursday. (the first guy who has made a serious effort to contact me outside of the site.) I was a little nervous at first about talking to a guy I hadn't met yet, but then I was extremely excited that someone was interested enough to contact me. We had a pretty good conversation, and we talked for about an hour that night before he signed off to go to bed. The conversation started out with him sort of grilling me on my interests and what I was looking for, but it got more casual by the end. I felt that it went well, and I feel like we may have clicked. Anyway, since this event I've been really anxious to talk to him again, because he seems to have a lot of great qualities. I found him on facebook the next day, and again was pleasantly surprised to see some more really attractive qualities reflected by his page. I added him as a friend on Saturday, with a note saying "Hey, I really enjoyed talking to you the other night. I hope we can talk again soon." He accepted the friend request right away, (within the hour) but left no response. However, I haven't heard from him since, and am beginning to get even more anxious and impatient. I checked yesterday and he had deleted his dating profile.

So . . . I have several questions . . .

Does this look good for me? Should I be worried? I really think I like him. : \

Also, what are the expectations, rules, or etiquette of using a dating site? Are there any? Would it be too forward for me to try to contact him again right away? Would that be creepy or stalker-ish? Is there a "right" or "wrong" way to go about this?

Basically, I think I've decided that if he doesn't contact me again within one week, I'm going to refocus and move on. Reasonable?

I always overanalyze everything with guys, but it's so hard when I don't actually know him in person.

Anyway, thanks for your input.

Cross posted to secret_crushes

mood: confusedconfused
17 April 2009 @ 01:45 am
Be smarter than me.
Do not follow your boyfriend/girlfriend to college.
You will more than likely break up.
Do not stay there after the break up and be their friend.
This means you will be subject to watching them move on and get over you.
They will not hesitate to do so and will not feel bad about living their life, even if you aren't.
Time heals all wounds, but time doesn't always mean a month or even just a year.
You will need time to heal and having that ex there IS NOT going to help.
Doing all of the above will leave you broken and dealing with much more heartache and confusion than you will need at that point in your life.

Do yourselves a favor: be smart and don't put yourself in that position.
I am proof that it's a stupid idea.
location: My bed
mood: depresseddepressed
08 April 2009 @ 09:45 pm

Okay. Uhm.

I'm Maxwell. I've not posted here before, and I think its high time I did.

Cut for my storyCollapse )

25 March 2009 @ 12:16 am
Dear L,

I think i'm in love with you. It's almost destroying knowing that the feeling isn't mutual. The memories are too much for me to forget. 8 months later & i'm still thinking about you... all the time. It's crazy. Being in love is the only explanation I can think of as to why you're still in my head after all this time.

I miss your face. Your smell, your guitar, your dirty boyish charm, the way you say certain words, your lustful state, the way you held back & refrained from telling me how you really felt.

I know you never meant to hurt me, but you did. We went further than intended, didn't we?
You were my escape. My escape from everything. When I was with you nothing else existed. We were almost stuck in time.

Then it happened, didn't it ? You found her and you lost me, on purpose. You threw me out of your head and replaced me with her.

You handed me back my very own heart and under inspection it was bruised and hurt. I don't know how to look after it so now it's breaking. I don't know what to do to fix it.
I've tried to feel the same about others as I felt about you. But I can't. No one seems to compare to you. Not even the ones who are perfectly matched to me.

I hate this feeling.
So I cut you out of my life.
Just like that. You're gone.
And now there's some kind of cliquéd empty space.
But at the same time, it's sort of makes things easier.
Maybe now I can get some of that 'closure' that strong people speak of.
See, you've made me realise I'm not a strong person like I thought I was.

I suppose I'd best thank you for giving me the best time of my life, so far.
I'm still young & I hope I find you again in the form of some other beautiful being.

Love, regret & spite,
Bekki xx

P.S. I hope it's true that everything happens for a reason, otherwise you've probably ruined my life, or at least part of it.j
mood: jealousjealous