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24 March 2009 @ 03:33 am
Hi, I am very new to this community, but I need some help. Maybe you can give me an outside points of view to my situation?
This ended up being longer then intended, and if this isn't the right place for this please forgive me and delete it.

my problem...Collapse )
location: work
mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: johnny and june-heidi newfield
20 March 2009 @ 08:59 pm

I'm incrediably sorry for the very, very  long post, but this is my first post and I needed to get caught up.  Anyone that is crazy enough to read all this, I more than welcome their comments and input on this.  Thanks in advance.


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17 March 2009 @ 03:47 pm

 somewhere between catching the softest smile on your face to dodging my reflection in your warm dancing eyes if you had seen me looking you would have seen the sweetest fall.

28 February 2009 @ 07:30 pm
so, i have a crush on a guy i work with. he's really nice and friendly, a total sweetheart. he knows i'm kind of into him because a mutual friend of ours asked him what he thought of me (i'm cool, cute, etc.) and said that he should ask me out. well, he hasn't, even though at the time my friend said he seemed quite into the idea... but maybe he was just flattered or something...  the thing is he is seeing another girl that lives 4 or 5 hours away that he apparently really likes, even though he is still considered single, only because she lives too far away for him to think anything will come of it. i like to think the reason he hasn't asked me to hang out is because of this girl, but at the same time i can reluctantly admit to myself that perhaps he just isn't that into me. whatever.

i know i shouldn't let it bother me, it was just a stupid crush and i barely know him, but i'm quite lonely at this point in my life and working with him has become simultaniously one of my most and least favorite things. the thing is, he is such a nice guy that he is still really sweet and friendly to me, but it just hurts to know that it doesn't mean anything like i hoped it did. we have a lot in common, and we make eachother laugh a ton. i don't like doing these things anymore because i know nothing will come of it.

i still get excited by stupid little things, like him posting on my facebook or him giving me a ride home. i don't know how to get over this stupid crush if these little things still make me happy. i kind of wish he was revolted at the idea of me liking him, so he'd stop talking to me, delete me from his facebook and avoid me at work. okay, so i don't really wish that. but sometimes it feels like it, you know?

07 February 2009 @ 03:13 pm

Hi I'm new and I'm utterly terrified to be in love. I was with a boy- although he is in his mid 20's he has the maturity of a 5 year old- up until mid semptember last year. It was the longest stretch of time I had ever spent in a relationship before. I somehow convinced myself that it was my duty to give this kid a go and try to make the relationship work in order to be considered an adult. So I stuck in there and put myself through hell in order to try to understand this whole concept of committment and love. He was with me because I was apparently the 'hottest' most beautiful girl he had ever seen and knows he will never have a chance with someone in my 'league' ever again and I was with him because I needed stability.

Then D came along. He was a bit of bad boy, a good laugh, incredibly sexy, exciting, passionate and most of all he wanted me- almost desperately. I was besotted with him from the moment I laid eyes on him. I have never fallen for a guy like I have for him. I broke my one moral code- to never cheat- and kissed him. It was magical. It was almost like that feeling you get when you've been away for a long time and you come home and you know that you are safe again and comfortable and at home. I broke up with my boyfriend a week or so later and suddenly D was all I could think about. I haven't been able to seperate myself from him since. He is amazing. Everything that drove me insane about my ex and everything I desperately wished he would be is exactly what D is. He is a gentleman, he puts me first in most situations as I do him, although he cannot understand everything I have been through and everything I am dealing with he is still there, he listens, he doesn't try to fix things or simplify them, he just listens and hugs and tells me he will hold my hand through it all and I can lean on him when I get tired. He can be vulnerable and yet so strong at the same time, he loves to just spend time with me and doesn't feel the need to constantly be doing something. He gets along with my friends so incredibly well as do I with his. My family think he is a great guy and love having him round. The problem... the problem is that I think I'm in love.

I'm in love with a boy who...Collapse )
I'm in love with a boy and I don't know what to do.
09 December 2008 @ 12:22 am
dear ex,

Even a year later the word ex still sounds weird. It sounds awful. But even more than that it sound final. In some ways it would be nice if it really were final - if things really were that simple. But the truth is that even though we broke up, we never really finished. There was no finality.

Over the past year we've fought, hooked up, made up, confided in each other, and fought some more. When bad things happen, we're the ones we turn to. When my grandad died and all I could feel was empty, you were the one that I was calling. When you felt like all of your friends had turned their backs on you, who did you come to talk to? 

So how can you say that we're over? Over as in done, finished, complete. Nothing about us is any of those things. 

You were the first boy that I ever really cared about. I would have done anything for you. You told me forever. You can say that we were just too young for that sort of thing, but the truth is that I wasn't. Forever to me meant forever. It wasn't just something that I thought I was supposed to say. Or something that I should say. Or something that I could say to get you to do what I wanted. To me it was real. I wish you'd never told me that you loved me. If you didn't mean it you didn't have to say it. You shouldn't have. 

And if you really did love me, how dare you break up with me over something as stupid as distance. Compared to how I felt about you distance was inconsequential. Sure it sucked. It was awful. It was the second worst thing that I have ever experienced. But the worst - well the worst was losing you.

Now it's almost Christmas break and we're both headed home for the holidays. All I can think about is what it will be like to see you again. My friends tell me that I shouldn't meet up with you, and I know they're right. I have no will power when it comes to you. I like to think of myself as a strong person, but the truth is that when it comes to you I just fall to pieces. But not seeing you is just too awful of an idea to even contemplate. So we'll hang out. It'll be just like when we were together, only as soon as the time to go back to school comes about I loose all rights to you. It isn't fair.

I hate you for doing this. I hate you for being able to do this.

- me.
07 December 2008 @ 03:15 pm
I just realized that crush_ed just turned 7 years old!

Thank you all for the support and posts over the years!
mood: impressedimpressed
21 October 2008 @ 02:52 am
"i am so in love with you i can't bare it.

you love me too, but you don't want a relationship. we're best friends. i've invested to much time in our friendship that dropping you out of my life like everyone thinks i should would devastate me.

we make a amazing team. when we first met i knew i'd met my match. we stay up all night talking all the time. you always know what i'm thinking. we have the most fun, even when we're being boring. time flies with you as i'm always having so much fun.

sometimes i think i should pull away from you just so you realise how much you'd miss me. but by trying to show you, is like punishment for me.

i know you don't want to ruin our friendship. but why are you so afraid to be in a relation ship with me?"

i'll never give it to him. what should i do about this? i can't even look at another boy while i'm like this. i don't want to go out with another boy, but still be in love with him. we were friends for a long time before all this happened so it's not like i can just cut him out.
09 October 2008 @ 05:41 am

Dear Boy;

I love those brown eyes, the irises outlines in black. I love that beautiful white smile, those full lips. I love your brown nipples and flat abdomen. I love your hip bones. I love your [unmentionables]. I even love your feet... and I hate feet.

I love your laugh. I love your voice. I love your intelligence. I even love your self-confidence, bordering on arrogance. I love your fashion sense. I love you playing guitar. I love your music taste. I love your movie taste. I love your hypocrisy.

I love your tattoos and body modifications (yes, even that side-pierced lip that I keep saying I don't like... I really just want to kiss you and feel the hoop against my lip; don't let me lie.) I love your hands, which are always so clean (unless you've been working on a car.)

I love your broad scope of knowledge.

I love that you pop into my life when I think you've totally forgotten about me.

I hate that you make me believe you've totally forgotten about me.
I hate that I can convince myself you never meant anything to me.
I hate that your face pops into my mind at random times, now.
[Out of the blue]
I hate that you feel the need to lie to me about your relationships.
I hate that you lie to me about your motives.
I hate that you make me feel like I'm special,
then turn around and ignore me for a week or two at a time.

But I love the memories:
-Of falling asleep on your bed
-Of staying awake all night at your house
-Of playing video games with you, when I hate video games
-Of you teaching me to play 3 Libras on an acoustic guitar
-Of random times driving around, destination nowhere
-Of football games, where we were both in the band...
-And the late night Waffle House runs once high school was over
-Of the piercing parlor, together
-Of hugs
-Of drunken nights
-Of high nights
-Of anything related to you, sans lies

So dear heart, do you think I love you? Do you think you could possibly ever come to that realization? Because I don't want to admit it. I don't ever want to say the words aloud in a romantic fashion. I never want to open myself fully to you, to even admit to myself that I might be in love with you [and have been for two years]. I won't admit that to myself. Because you'll never see it, and it'll never come to any fruitful end.

My dear heart, you have lied time and again to me. The weight is the issue. The smoking isn't it. Stop pretending to not be shallow, and maybe this wouldn't have happened. If you hadn't of told me it wasn't the weight, that maybe I could have a chance!, then maybe I wouldn't have let this twinge of feeling fester and fester and fester into...[whatever this feeling is].

But you did. And I blame you.

And I know there's nothing that can be done to fix any of it.

So maybe you won't call again for another six months. Maybe I won't be at this number anymore. Maybe you'll never see me again, because I'll pick up and leave this small town. But maybe you'll call me tomorrow, and your face will pop into my mind while I'm driving again. And maybe it won't go away; maybe I won't even be able to forget you if you were to stay away for 60 years.

We'll just have to see.

[And what do you put here when you don't want to admit something so...]
02 October 2008 @ 06:35 pm
I usually post about my ED but right now I suppose I'm more caught up in the weight of my heart. I met this guy 3 years ago but we began dating around the 4th of July. We started out be really really good friends. I believe we sometimes see someone and want there to be a connection so badly that we sort of make it happen but tell ourselves it was natural. This guy (we'll call him Tom)is a bit older than me and wasn't my ideal kind of guy at first but he became my total buddy. Our relationship was based on trust and respect and on a smaller level still is. Though at the begining I did notice that he only had one friend (besides me)that consisted of 95% of his social life and it had probably been that way for a while. In the back of my mind I kept wondering if the way he at times seemed to be...I guess obsessed it to strong of a word but I would wonder if I was mostly a ticket out of his loneliness but how could I find that out for sure? Anyways about 2 months later he became more comfortable in letting his temper tantrums/way to gain control show. When he would do something I disagreed with and I would say it would try to always get really mad at any tiny thing I disagreed with and try to intimidate me into biting my tongue when I felt he wasn't treating me right or I disagreed. He does this every time we are together. Sometimes he'll drag it out but it seems when he has something to gain than he cuts it short.Though he shows that he has a lot of love for me. I know your probably thinking yeah you just want to believe that but I could tell that he wasn't faking how strongly he felt towards me by the people closest to him. If he really cherishes me why the tantrums that pulls us apart? How can someone do both to someone? Is it b/c he knows I'll keep coming back? Which I think is a strong possibility but if that is the case I still don't get it. I was curious what other people thought about the situation.